My mum doesn't know and I can't tell her

[lipsticklady]

I can't tell my mum I am gay. She doesn't have a clue either, in fact nobody who meets me would even imagine it. I have told some of my medical professionals and they have been very supportive especially my councellor, in fact I found a real gem in her as she not only has a gay son she also has a friend whose daughter is gay, so she really understands the issues I face and is supportive. But anyway back to my mum, it's difficult, see I am feeling comfortable in my own skin since having councelling but I cannot tell my mum, especially not now as we had the shock in October of my dad dying. I can't hit her with another life changing piece of news, not at the moment anyway. So I am pretending to be A-sexual and it's not easy. Thing is my mum seems to be really against anything to do with gay people, I have been noticing it a lot lately as the story lines on a few of the soaps have been about gay issues. She comments on how it shouldn't be shown and if it has to be it should be after the water shed. Luckily I live alone so I can be myself when I am alone or with other people, just not when my mum comes round. I don't blame her, but sometimes I feel bitter. When I say I don't blame her, I mean I accept that is her opinion and it's her right to feel that way, so long as she isn't nasty to a gay person, which she wouldn't be. It's to do with her upbringing, she had a sheltered childhoon and a religious one, so of course as she is from the old school, she isn't use to gay people. I wonder if anyone else is in a similar position and if anyone has any advice for me?

[Landers]

Have you thought that maybe your mom does actually know, she just doesn't want to accept it? This is quite often the case and also often explains why a lot of parents make homophobic or derogatory comments about scenes of a homosexual nature being shown on television. They feel if they make it seem disgusting and un-normal their children won't want to be gay. It comes down the old saying of telling a child enough times that he's stupid and eventually he'll believe it.

I'm not for one minute saying this is case with you and your mom, just wondering if it was an angle you'd looked at.

Although many parents don't want to accept that their child is gay and often try all sorts of way to change it most come round to it in the end and all they really want is their child to be happy. I have a deal with my father - as long I'm happy and it's NEVER mentioned in front of him then he's fine with it and I actually caught him defending me once in front of one of his mates. Given that my dad is an ex-footballer and very much a man's man and I used to play rugby for the school his friends often find it hard to believe he has a gay son - they think he's just being "trendy!"

Next time there is a gay scene on television why not ask your mom what it is she doesn't like about it? Ask if it's because of her religious upbringing or maybe just the general lack of acceptance from past generations? Either way it'll start the conversation on the topic and you could ease her into the whole 'coming out' process by slowly changing her thoughts and feelings about the subject.

Sorry for going on for so long, just though I'd answer as no one else had. Hope it's not too much/little too late.